Timing is everything...

So, pretty much most my life I've had everyone telling me, "You need to be on SNL".. I always laughed it off because, well, I thought people thinking I was funny enough for SNL, was like one of the funniest things I'd ever heard. But certain people come into your lives for certain reasons, and my friend Mikey actually convinced me one day to get going on the whole SNL process. The west coast recruitment program starts pretty much with one thing, the Groundlings. Its where all the greats started.. Will Farrell and a bunch of others that at this present moment I cannot remember. But to be in the same program as Ron Burgundy.. well, that's something else. 

So after much coaxing and bribing from my friend, I did it. I had an audition set-up. And pretty much the second after I set it all up, I wanted to vomit. I had to keep telling myself, I can do this. I had done countless comedic exercises with kids that were currently in the program, and I didn't really think they were all that funny. So I said to myself, if they can do it, I totally can. Mistake #1. 

So, today was the day. I had to drive up to LA for the audition so I had to make sure to allow plenty of time. Tardiness is not an option. You aren't there on time? You lose your chance. So me and a girl I'd met named, Lane, planned on going together. She lived a couple blocks away from the Groundlings so I met at her place. The dress code for the audition is simple. Wear something comfortable. It isn't a fashion show. So, I wore my most comfortable pants. I'd worn them everywhere. England, Paris, Italy... They were my pants. THE pants. Mistake #2.

Because tardiness is extremely important, its no surprise me and Lane are running behind schedule. So we are literally sprinting to the audition down Melrose. And then it happens. Rrrriiippp! A little more information on the pants here... They are like a hip version of sweatpants. Or should I say, they were. Super baggy, but with a cute style. They were like the most expensive "comfy" pants I'd ever bought. They were like 80 dollars from Anthropologie. And because I am a midget, well 3 inches shy of one, they were super long. 

So back to the story here... I'm running. My pants are dragging. I am on my way to an audition that could potentially change my entire life. I have horrible luck. Yep, you guessed it! In mid-stride I hear one of the most terrifying sounds ever. Which is then followed by a cool breeze. Never a good sign. So long story short, my comfy pants turned to the most uncomfortable pants two seconds before I ran into the building. Seriously!?! And it wasn't just a little rip. My right pant leg was ripped clean up to the back of my thigh. And by thigh, I mean, almost butt cheek. You can imagine my first impression.. completely out-of-breath from sprinting and the only thing I can get out is, "Yes, we made it" and "Would anyone happen to have a sewing machine handy or perhaps a box of safety pins??"And that's around the same time I run into Mikey Day, who then introduces me to the lady running the audition today, who repeatedly mentions to her how hilarious I am. Mistake #3.

Can you see where this is going?? Long story short, it was the biggest bomb in history. I've never in my life been at a loss for words. And there I was on stage completely dumbfounded and speechless. I called Mikey Day after the audition and told him how bad it went. He reassured me with this, "Jamie, there are complete retards in my class that made it through the audition. Absolute retards. You'll totally make it." So when I called him the next day with the news that I didn't in fact make it, I told him, "Apparently, on the totem pole of comedians, complete retards are above me. I'm not even funny enough to ride the short bus." 

That was almost a year ago, and I haven't mustered the courage to try another beating. I also can't think of which pair of my favorite pants I want to kill. Lightning does strike twice, you know. But last night I found myself watching SNL. Haven't seen it in forever! But I saw a sketch that blew my mind, and I had another epiphany. Maybe I can't physically be on SNL, but as I was watching the skit, I couldn't help but think, this character is so me! I found myself in this moment where I thought, "I did it. I finally made it on SNL!"

I'm going to start sending anonymous faxes to the writers of SNL. Various things about me, and experiences I've encountered. And maybe one night I'll see someone portraying me. Shoot, maybe I'll just send them a link to my blog. I hope you enjoy the video below as much as I do. Whit, I could totally hear you laughing as I was watching it too..