Timing is everything...

So, pretty much most my life I've had everyone telling me, "You need to be on SNL".. I always laughed it off because, well, I thought people thinking I was funny enough for SNL, was like one of the funniest things I'd ever heard. But certain people come into your lives for certain reasons, and my friend Mikey actually convinced me one day to get going on the whole SNL process. The west coast recruitment program starts pretty much with one thing, the Groundlings. Its where all the greats started.. Will Farrell and a bunch of others that at this present moment I cannot remember. But to be in the same program as Ron Burgundy.. well, that's something else. 

So after much coaxing and bribing from my friend, I did it. I had an audition set-up. And pretty much the second after I set it all up, I wanted to vomit. I had to keep telling myself, I can do this. I had done countless comedic exercises with kids that were currently in the program, and I didn't really think they were all that funny. So I said to myself, if they can do it, I totally can. Mistake #1. 

So, today was the day. I had to drive up to LA for the audition so I had to make sure to allow plenty of time. Tardiness is not an option. You aren't there on time? You lose your chance. So me and a girl I'd met named, Lane, planned on going together. She lived a couple blocks away from the Groundlings so I met at her place. The dress code for the audition is simple. Wear something comfortable. It isn't a fashion show. So, I wore my most comfortable pants. I'd worn them everywhere. England, Paris, Italy... They were my pants. THE pants. Mistake #2.

Because tardiness is extremely important, its no surprise me and Lane are running behind schedule. So we are literally sprinting to the audition down Melrose. And then it happens. Rrrriiippp! A little more information on the pants here... They are like a hip version of sweatpants. Or should I say, they were. Super baggy, but with a cute style. They were like the most expensive "comfy" pants I'd ever bought. They were like 80 dollars from Anthropologie. And because I am a midget, well 3 inches shy of one, they were super long. 

So back to the story here... I'm running. My pants are dragging. I am on my way to an audition that could potentially change my entire life. I have horrible luck. Yep, you guessed it! In mid-stride I hear one of the most terrifying sounds ever. Which is then followed by a cool breeze. Never a good sign. So long story short, my comfy pants turned to the most uncomfortable pants two seconds before I ran into the building. Seriously!?! And it wasn't just a little rip. My right pant leg was ripped clean up to the back of my thigh. And by thigh, I mean, almost butt cheek. You can imagine my first impression.. completely out-of-breath from sprinting and the only thing I can get out is, "Yes, we made it" and "Would anyone happen to have a sewing machine handy or perhaps a box of safety pins??"And that's around the same time I run into Mikey Day, who then introduces me to the lady running the audition today, who repeatedly mentions to her how hilarious I am. Mistake #3.

Can you see where this is going?? Long story short, it was the biggest bomb in history. I've never in my life been at a loss for words. And there I was on stage completely dumbfounded and speechless. I called Mikey Day after the audition and told him how bad it went. He reassured me with this, "Jamie, there are complete retards in my class that made it through the audition. Absolute retards. You'll totally make it." So when I called him the next day with the news that I didn't in fact make it, I told him, "Apparently, on the totem pole of comedians, complete retards are above me. I'm not even funny enough to ride the short bus." 

That was almost a year ago, and I haven't mustered the courage to try another beating. I also can't think of which pair of my favorite pants I want to kill. Lightning does strike twice, you know. But last night I found myself watching SNL. Haven't seen it in forever! But I saw a sketch that blew my mind, and I had another epiphany. Maybe I can't physically be on SNL, but as I was watching the skit, I couldn't help but think, this character is so me! I found myself in this moment where I thought, "I did it. I finally made it on SNL!"

I'm going to start sending anonymous faxes to the writers of SNL. Various things about me, and experiences I've encountered. And maybe one night I'll see someone portraying me. Shoot, maybe I'll just send them a link to my blog. I hope you enjoy the video below as much as I do. Whit, I could totally hear you laughing as I was watching it too..

Just kidding about the just kidding...

D is for Donut..

So, I was feeling kinda bad about not blogging recently. But I just didn't know what to write about. And then the RANDOMEST thing happened to me like five minutes ago. So here goes..

I don't know why but I have been craving a donut for like the last week. I can usually fight it off. Convince myself that maybe a banana, or something healthier than a warm, chocolatey bar of heaven would be just as satisfying. Nice try, Jame. So this morning the craving was too strong. I rolled out of bed, threw a sweater and some rainbows on, and was out the door. Didn't brush my teeth or my hair.. didn't even put a bra on. So clearly this would be the best time to meet a man. Right?? So I leave my house.. I didn't even shut my front door cause in my mind I'm thinking I'll be back in one minute. 

As I'm pulling up to the donut shop I see a man walking in. He kinda does a double take at me in the car but then continues to walk in the shop. Clearly its because I look like I got hit by a bus.. twice.. but I shrug it off. The donut is just too important to care. When I walk in the shop, he turns around and says to me, "What kinda of donut am I buying you this morning?" My response was "Seriously??" (I just want to clarify that I had to search my entire house for the dollar that I was going to use for the donut.. because since I quit my bartending job, I literally don't have a dollar to my name..) He then says, "Yeah, I'm buying today." I said, "Oh, its fine, I can buy my own donut." But really, I can't even buy my own donut.. In my mind I'm thinking, How sweet. I'm this guy's little charity project today. Feeding the homeless. Way to not brush your hair. Mom is going to be so pissed when she hears about this. So he buys me my donut and a chocolate milk. I went for the small one, and he demanded I replace it for the large. Seriously, how homeless do I look right now?? And then after I say thank you, he says to me, "So when am I taking you to dinner?" Seriously?! 

I was caught SO off guard, I was waiting for the shop worker to give me some sort of sign that this in fact is normal, and happens all the time. She gave me no such look. I couldn't stop laughing. For one cause its freaking hilarious how homeless I look, and two because is he seriously asking me out at a donut shop?! So I try to get going. I have no idea what the protocol is when a guy buys you a donut. I thought a polite "Thank you for your donation, it is, in fact, tax deductible" but the next thing I know I am sitting at an outside table chatting with this man. For like 45 minutes. During which he asked me to dinner like seven times, and each time I laughed it off. Does this seriously happen? I knew it was going to be a good day when I found the dollar that would buy me my donut, but this is something else. 

Now I'm sure you are all wondering, what the heck does this guy look like... and here's where I also tell you that old men LOVE me. Guys my age seriously don't notice me. I'm still trying to figure out how I met Duke, the hottie from the previous post, but that's beside the point right now. So DonutMan, his real name is Fred, but that's such a Grandpa name that DonutMan sounds so much better. Anyway, DonutMan, was an attractive guy probably in his mid-40's. He was pretty casually dressed. Shorts and flip flops, but I'm pretty sure he had brushed his teeth and hair prior to leaving the house. Not so sure if he was wearing a bra. Haha, lame joke. Anyway, I mentioned I work for a construction company and then he mentions how he just sold his solar power company... for oh, 8 million dollars. And then he proceeds to tell me all this crazy info about the Earth and how global warming is bogus. So I pretty much had breakfast with Bill Nye, the Science Guy. Except a more handsome version. It was amazing and I was really interested in what he had to say. And every so often I would remind myself that I still look homeless and haven't brushed my teeth. 

Seriously, so random! He asked me if I wanted another donut, and maybe that one we could eat back at my house where we would watch soap operas all day. I told him I wasn't the soap opera type, and if he would have said Food Network I would've given it another thought. But we wrapped things up. He asked for my number and I took his instead. He told me its not everyday you meet a hot girl at a donut shop. I said, maybe tomorrow will be his day, since clearly today was homeless thursday. And then he got into his convertible Jaguar, I got in my soccer mom SUV, and we parted ways. Even though I didn't get the creepy vibe from him, I took the long way home just in case he was following. 

Life sure is interesting. People come into your lives for various reasons. Maybe I met DonutMan to teach me crazy facts about the Earth which will later help me win millions on Jeapordy. Or maybe it was just to get a free donut. Either way, all I have to say is:

 "I got a dollar, I got a dollar, I got a dollar, hey hey hey heeyy..." 

Seriously???

So for those that didn't know, a couple months ago I got my heart shattered into a gajillion pieces. Before I met "B" I kinda considered myself a Grinch when it comes to love. I wouldn't allow myself to get attached because I always said I was cold and heartless. Then, he wiggled his way into my life and next thing I knew there was a beating heart in that once empty cave. But long story short, not exactly the man I thought he was. After my brief mourning period, sad songs, dark rooms, and the occasional Legally Blonde re-enactment when she's watching soaps, eating chocolates, then throws the box of chocolates at the TV and screams "Liar!".. (I always loved that part, haha).. I have now bounced back, and am stronger than ever. Meeting a hot boy like this doesn't hurt either. Hi Duke... Call me! :) 

But there's always that moment when you run into the ex. I always imagined it as B walking into a room and sees me standing there looking extremely gorgeous and carefree (possibly a fan blowing my hair in the distance) and Duke on bended knee professing his undying love.. ideally, in a speedo or something that shows off a perfectly toned physique. And I just want to clarify that I don't particularly enjoy speedos. But desperate times call for desperate measures. :)  But in a real world, the encounters never happen that way. 

I ran into B this weekend. I was with some girlfriends at the place he worked. I knew I could just ignore him. Pretend he wasn't there. Then my friend tells me that before I got to the restaurant, they were all talking and when someone mentioned I'd be there that night, B's face lit up. And she told me that anytime someone mentions my name his face lights up. So in my mind I'm thinking this.. he still loves me. The reason he hasn't called me in over a month to apologize and say how he's the scum of the earth and messed up, is because he's been writing the perfect speech. So it was inevitable. There I was face to face with the man who I completely despise, yet am still completely in love with. Funny how that works. I say nothing. The ball is in his court, I've said my words and now its time for his. So he leans over to whisper his apology into my ear and here's what he said..

"I'm like two minutes away from having a six-pack..."

Seriously?? Seriously! For a little background, B is a total health nut. Obsessed with getting six pack abs. We once had a bet that if I drank one of his veggie shakes that he drinks like twice daily, he'd have to go sing kareoke with  me. Probably one of the worst experiences of my life.. 64 oz of blended vegetables in one sitting is not pretty. I did it though.. which reminds me he still hasn't held up his end of the bargain. Standard. 

So you can imagine my surprise that this was the moment I had been imagining... My first reaction was just staring at him in disbelief. Then, I had the urge to yell at him, "If I could kill someone with my mind, it would be you." But all I pretty much did was roll my eyes and walk away. All my married friends, please go kiss your husbands right now. You have no idea how happy you are that you are not single and dealing with socially retarded men such as these. I tried to think of some deeply profound and mature response.. but then remembered what I was dealing with. My response back to him was:

"Six pack. Shmix pack."

Oh, how great the single life is. I'm officially back in 6th grade. Where's my chalupa? 

Beagle for sale..

So, if anyone had ever told me all the things that go into having a pet, more specifically, a beagle. Well, I probably would have reconsidered. Sorry, Bax. I never remember the dogs we had when I was a kid having so many issues, but there's that whole "lucky me" in this story. If ever there were an insane breed of dog, you better believe I'm going to be the lucky one to get it. 

I just want all my friends with babies to know, I feel your pain. Baxter has been a newborn baby going on 3 1/2 years now.. waking me up in the middle of the night cause he has to pee, and then right when you're back to sleep.. scratch scratch on the door, cause he wants in. I believe when I eventually have a "real baby" someday that will be the easiest adjustment for me. Sleep? What a funny word. 

Some of Baxter's other highlights would be:

 - His barking. Oh how sweet the sound... Its a rare blend of your average bark, a dying seal, a howler monkey, with a pinch of his own little addition depending on his mood. Oh, and its amplified by like 1000. Whenever I go to the dog beach, the second I take him off the leash, its like a bullet firing from a gun. He takes off running and screaming. I believe in his mind he's saying "Wooo Hooo, I'm free" but to the human ear it sounds like he's being murdered. And the looks from innocent bystanders? Mostly shock that something that loud is coming from something that small. I believe he gets that from his mama. I'm puny, short and little, but I'm loud. :) Everyone tells me that this is just a phase, and the barking will stop. Save the date for when that happens, I'm having a party.

 - His love of animals. Definitely the best part of having a dog is the cuddling part. Baxter in particular is a major cuddle bug. I carried him everywhere when he was a pup so he is constantly needing human contact. Or so I thought. Apparently, any species will do. The one that tugs at my heart strings the most?? Without a doubt, the dead possum. My absolute favorite is when he decides to carry them into the house, and especially when he puts them on my bed. What a thoughtful dog he is. I always thought I wanted a man that surprises me with gifts. Be careful what you wish for, I guess. 

 - He's eco-friendly. Baxter doesn't like to add to the waste with poop bags, so he's potty trained. Or wave-trained, I guess. Normal dogs poop in the sand at the beach. But not Baxter. He walks out into the water... usually just deep enough where I can't grab it before it floats away, and just shallow enough for everyone to see what he's doing. Its probably one of the sweetest things to see Baxter run up to a little kid playing in the water, lick his face and then proceed to pop a squat and contaminate his play area. Its amazing that I haven't gotten into a fight with a furious parent yet. Knock on wood... And Baxter also only plays with gifts from nature.. pine cones, twigs.. pretty much anything that will cause a mess when he breaks it into tiny pieces and sprinkles all over the carpet, couch and my bed. 

 - He's a performer. Whenever I have people over, Monty always hides out in the other room. But Baxter feels out the crowd, and then proceeds to put on a show. It varies. Sometimes he humps a blanket. Sometimes a stuffed animal. But the real crowd pleaser is when he takes one of my guests jackets or sweaters, props it up on a chair or step, and then goes to town right in front of everyone. I believe he learned this from his Uncle Chris. No more slumber parties at his house. 

And the one downfall to this "Best in Show" (you know, a beagle did win last year...)  :

  - This face. Cause its impossible to stay mad at this. Cause he looks at you with these big, sad, brown eyes but his tail is wagging a million miles an hour cause he loves you so much. 

I think that's what being a parent is about after all. No matter how much torture they put you through, it would be even worse torture without them. Thank you, Baxter for teaching me that lesson. Please, for the love of God, no more gifts. 

A Lesson Learned...

So I always considered myself more of a street smart kinda person. School was never a struggle for me. But I definitely had my moments of complete and utter stupidity. Case in point.. Figuring out Alaska was not in fact an island. Oh yeah, and I was like 20 years old when this epiphany hit me. I'd like to give a shout out to my 909 elementary education! Ha ha :) And these moments happen all the time.. but I learned a valuable lesson this morning, and knew it was perfect for the blog. 

So this last weekend I was on a major cleaning spree.. and I mean, major. Ever since I quit my bar tending job I now have weekends open, so I spent all day Saturday cleaning. My dogs, my car, my house... it was amazing how much clutter had piled up. And then it happened. I went to throw something in the trash, and I saw it. At first I kinda just looked around.. confused. Are those seeds? Did a strawberry explode in my trash can? And then it hit me... eggs. Something had gone horribly wrong in my trash can, and they had set up camp. And by they, I mean, the maggots. I believe my early detection is what saved me from completely going nuts, throwing my dogs in the car and just calling it a loss and setting my place on fire. Isn't that the only way to kill them? But the fact they were in the incubation stage and not pop-and-locking through my garbage gave me time to assess a plan. And my first thought.. Kaboom. I dunno if anyone has been graced with the presence of Kaboom.. but I believe it cleans, kills, or does everything. Probably not a product "Method" would support, but I wasn't thinking about the environment at this moment.. this was strictly survival. So I took my trash outside and Kaboom'd the crap out of it. I can only imagine what my neighbors were thinking if they overheard my screams. "Die! Die! Die!" "Get the freak out!" I mean, honestly, a whole other person I never even knew existed came out. And I'm a gemini.. I thought I knew all of my multiple personalities. I remember looking at my dogs just laying there watching me.. concerned looks on there face.. probably saying to each other.. "Uh oh, Mommy's lost it again..."

So the conclusion I reached after my battle.. the culprit was basil gone bad. So bad. For those with the weak stomachs, I won't share the details... but once again, a moment that will haunt me forever. So I decided from this point on, no more food in the trash. I'm sending everything down the garbage disposal... Which now brings me to my lesson. 

Apparently... Garbage disposals are for scraps. Not egg shells, baby carrots, and an occasional piece of plastic. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but I always thought of a garbage disposal as like the supreme destroyer. I'm sure everyone shares in the fear of sticking your hand down the drain to rescue a stray spoon... goose bumps just thinking about it. So I felt pretty safe in assuming that if a garbage disposal can "dispose" a human hand, it could probably handle something as frail as an egg shell. Or.. a bag of baby carrots. It can't. 

My garbage disposal kicked the bucket last night while I was cleaning out my fridge. Found a half eaten bag of baby carrots, and didn't think twice. Probably a lesson that I missed during my Culinary education. Garbage Disposal 101 didn't seem like a necessity at the time. So after the shock washed off my brother's face after I told him what all I do, in fact, put down the drain, he told me these wise words...

"Garbage disposals are there to get rid of the scraps left on the plate. You scrape the leftovers into the trash, and whatever is left can go down the drain."

I am sending a letter to all garbage disposal companies, and requesting they change the name to a "scrap disposal" for all the Amelia Bedilias out there like me. I now refer to mine as "scrappy" just to remind myself that he is not capable of garbage. 

Hope my actions can prevent any future disposals being disposed of. 

Live on little scrappy, live on! 

Welcome to the insanity that I call my life...

I'm gonna be honest with you here. The idea of posting my life on the internet scares the hell out of me. Just the thought of some random person reading about my life makes the little hairs on my neck rise. And that's usually around the point where I realize.. I am one of those people. I have countless blogs bookmarked of people I've never even met. And as I'm periodically checking in on these strangers lives, I find myself saying "Wow, little Timmy is getting so big!" or "Ooh, I love what they've done with the place" and then I have to remind myself... I have no idea who these people are. So, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Right? And after some convincing (Thanks, Dede) and the realization that I better start documenting my life before I forget it, I am here. So I hope you enjoy. 

So where the heck do I start?! I can honestly say there is never a dull moment in this crazy life of mine. Countless times throughout the day I question whether I'm being punk'd or my life is a movie set, like the Truman Show. There's days where I think I've walked straight outta the set of Grey's Anatomy with all the seriously's I say.. Seriously?? Seriously! I sometimes wish I had a reality show just for validation that I'm not crazy, and really, crazy things happen to me. 

I wouldn't say that I'm clumsy or cursed, I just really think that God has a sense of humor and he knew that I was the type of person to laugh about it, when others would cry. I can't wait to look back on my life when I'm older and laugh till I pee in my Depends. Who wants to join me?

So my first entry isn't really a funny one, but its about something I experienced that I will never ever forget. And I think its worth sharing. 

Today I went down to San Clemente with my best friend, Sol. We were just going to stroll along the shops, grab a bite, and just relax. We ended up having lunch at this restaurant on the pier and afterwards went to sunbathe for a bit. When we walked up to the sand there were all these tents set up and tons and tons of people crowded around them. We couldn't figure out what was going on. I thought surf competition.. and then Sol pointed out that no one was looking towards the water. Minor detail. Ha ha. So we found a spot and began the basking process, even though it wasn't all that sunny out. I was still curious what was up... I needed to know if all these cute surfer boys was a weekly occurrence. Mama wants grandkids after all. :) 

Then I ran into a friend of mine that said it was a memorial for this guy who lost a battle with cancer. 22 years he'd been battling it. I'm not sure what type. Everyone was there to do one last "paddle out" for him. He was big in the surfing community there, judged surf competitions, made surfboards, etc.. So it was a final tribute for him. And then all of a sudden you see everyone getting ready to hit the waves.. It was crazy. Surfers coming out of the woodwork.. no joke, I swear there was like 200 people paddling out. And the entire pier was lined with people too. Young, old, male, female.. it was unbelievable! Me and Sol couldn't take our eyes off the whole thing. A lot of them were wearing these leis, and also taking flowers and rose petals to release into the waves. So the shore was sprinkled with petals. It was beautiful. And right when they all began to paddle out, the clouds broke and it totally warmed up. I had chills all over my body. The whole experience was so moving. 

Once they were all out, they formed this huge circle, joined hands and just started chanting and yelling and splashing water in the air. It was a complete celebration of life for this man. I felt so honored to be a part of it. I have tears in my eyes and chills right now just thinking about it. Its so crazy to think that this man, everyone called him "Midget", probably had no clue how many people loved and cared for him. I wish I had the words to express the feelings I had being there. I've never had so many chills, and felt such a strong presence than being there on that beach today. I kept thinking about that Brad Paisley song, "When I get where I'm going"... It captured that moment perfectly. 

"When I get where I'm going, there'll be only happy tears. I will shed the sins and struggles I have carried all these years. I'll leave my heart wide open. I will love and have no fear. Yeah, when I get where I'm going, don't cry for me down here.."

Midget's heart must be so full after what he witnessed from above. I know mine is. Even though I am terrified of sharks and the ocean, I want every one to know that I will be there to celebrate their final "paddle out". My friend offered me a board to join in and I said no. I'm still kicking myself for that one. 

The paddle out. You can see the circle in the distance. 

The rose petals washing up on the beach.